Monday, February 15, 2016

MY 1989

My 1989 (somehow inspired by seeing Taylor Swift perform her song "1989" at the Grammys in 2016)

was another horrible year
year after year after year
filled with death after death after
why am i living
when all whom i love are dying
how do I live
with death after death
year after year
day after day
day to day
what is living for
just to see
people dying
death after death
a call to see an ex for the last time
how do i do that
how do i absorb this pain
upon pain
upon pain
suddenly a flashback
a distant memory of the 70s
the days of rock and roll
and that magical white powder
that killed all the feeling
of joy
choosing joy then
but now would it kill the pain
oh to feel nothing to be numb
would be like so much joy to me now
i can get that
a phone call
a pick up
hurry up
snort that powder
smoke that pipe
more more more
kill that pain
kill that feeling
killing me inside
and finally i feel it
the bliss of feeling nothing
the pain is gone
it feels so wrong
to feel such false relief
but it gets me through the night
time after time
the pain too much
just blow it away
and feel the sweet bliss of feeling
nothing at all feeling nothing
i never felt nothing before
always felt everything too much
this nothing so different to feel
and so i found a way to live
it was ugly but it was life
and finally slowly
the dying eased
and stopped
and slowly
i began to wonder
did i really find a way to live
or rather a way to stop dying
inside me
feeling so much loss
and pain
how to live now
so the urge and the need remained
for way too long
but it just brought emptiness
so day by day
i found a way out
to lose myself in work
to help people
and find my life again
the life i used to want

the life i used to live
the me i used to be
the me i always was
still here
perhaps well hidden
and buried somewhere deep deep down
i found me again
and life
and now finally i realize
why i write
where and why this addiction to write
seemed to appear out of nowhere
just as i retired
i knew there was a connection
but i still could not understand it
till now
I write to live
and
i live to write
to let these feelings go
i watch the words appear in front of me
and i feel the pain and the tension
flow out from deep inside me
like a wind i cannot see
each word brings relief
but this relief and release is genuine
organic not chemical
i found a way to honor myself
who feels too much
and has so much passion
and as it builds again i write again
and so it goes
i found a way
to live
with the real genuine me
i live to write i write to live


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