MY 1989

My 1989 (somehow inspired by seeing Taylor Swift perform her song "1989" at the Grammys in 2016)

was another horrible year

year after year after year

filled with death after death after

why am i living

when all whom i love are dying

how do I live

with death after death

year after year

day after day

day to day

what is living for

just to see

people dying

death after death

a call to see an ex for the last time

how do i do that

how do i absorb this pain

upon pain

upon pain

suddenly a flashback

a distant memory of the 70s

the days of rock and roll

and that magical white powder

that killed all the feeling

of joy

choosing joy then

but now would it kill the pain

oh to feel nothing to be numb

would be like so much joy to me now

i can get that

a phone call

a pick up

hurry up

snort that powder

smoke that pipe

more more more

kill that pain

kill that feeling

killing me inside

and finally i feel it
the bliss of feeling nothing

the pain is gone

it feels so wrong

to feel such false relief

but it gets me through the night

time after time

the pain too much

just blow it away

and feel the sweet bliss of feeling

nothing at all feeling nothing

i never felt nothing before

always felt everything too much

this nothing so different to feel

and so i found a way to live

it was ugly but it was life

and finally slowly
the dying eased

and stopped

and slowly

i began to wonder

did i really find a way to live

or rather a way to stop dying

inside me

feeling so much loss

and pain

how to live now

so the urge and the need remained

for way too long

but it just brought emptiness

so day by day

i found a way out

to lose myself in work

to help people

and find my life again

the life i used to want

the life i used to live

the me i used to be

the me i always was

still here

perhaps well hidden

and buried somewhere deep deep down

i found me again

and life

and now finally i realize

why i write

where and why this addiction to write

seemed to appear out of nowhere

just as i retired

i knew there was a connection

but i still could not understand it

till now

I write to live

and

i live to write

to let these feelings go

i watch the words appear in front of me

and i feel the pain and the tension

flow out from deep inside me

like a wind i cannot see

each word brings relief

but this relief and release is genuine

organic not chemical

i found a way to honor myself

who feels too much

and has so much passion

and as it builds again i write again

and so it goes

i found a way

to live

with the real genuine me

i live to write i write to live