So Folks, next time I take FB break, consider that I needed to escape from the confinement of the evil internet world that exists only in a computer, and wanted or needed to live and breathe in the real world for a moment, pulling real weeds, cutting real flowers, or just sitting on the patio looking at the actual sky and real earth, and playing with my real dogs, getting shit done!
Fresh this morning. For all who sent their thoughts during my absence I am calling my personal at home garden sabbatical focused on me, my life, my issues, past present and future, allowing myself to think deeply of my life so far, and to finally accept the pointless futility of judging whether I pushed too hard or not hard enough, was too strong or too weak, did enough or could have done more. So that finally I could let go of all the angst, negativity, doubt, drama, useless speculation and misleading judgement. I did what I did, I'm glad i did it, I pursued what I wanted to do, every moment was challenging and stimulating and growth inducing while also sometimes productive and some times not, sometimes successful and sometimes not. The only way to clean out the past was to reflect upon and address it. So I could now stop looking back and just keep looking forward having cleared out the old to allow room for the new and to find buried under all that garbage what's left of who I was when I started and improve on that. And to build up sufficient inner strength now to face, be present for and process the pending close personal losses that are not imminent but are approaching as the natural order of things and that I have to expect will occur sooner rather than later and that get closer with each passing day. As I now just brought forth to my consciousness, I am much more familiar with the wrenching pain wracked premature death of a vibrant promise filled and denied life not even half lived, than with the natural passing after a long lived fulfilling life. Better I start this now than late.r
